Terms of Service

Welcome to the Terms of Service for tHE dURT nURS'. By accessing this website, you agree to these terms. If you don't agree, well... you're probably still going to use the site anyway, and we can't actually stop you.

These terms outline the rules for using our website. They're mostly common sense mixed with self-deprecating humor. If you violate these terms, the consequences will be... well, nothing really. We don't have enforcement mechanisms. We're a parody band, not a police state.

1. Acceptance of Terms

By using this website (durtnurs.com or durtnurs.github.io), you acknowledge that:

• You've read these terms (or at least skimmed them)
• You understand this is a parody/satire project
• You agree not to take anything too seriously
• You recognize we're idiots and should be treated as such
• You're at least 18 years old (or have parental supervision, because our content isn't exactly kid-friendly)

If you don't agree to these terms, please close this browser tab and go listen to some legitimately good music. We recommend literally anything except our own material.

2. This Is Parody (In Case You Missed It)

2.1 Satirical Content

Everything on this website is satire, parody, and/or artistic expression. This includes:

• All band member personas (DeadBeat, SnowMan, and any future members)
• All biographical information (mostly fabricated)
• All news announcements (varying degrees of truth)
• All song titles and lyrics (intentionally absurd)
• All claims about musical talent (definitely exaggerated)
• All merchandise descriptions (if we ever make merchandise)
• This terms of service document (seriously, it's mostly jokes)

2.2 Protected Expression

Our content is protected under freedom of speech and artistic expression laws. We're not making factual claims—we're making jokes. If you can't tell the difference, that's on you.

That said, if something on this site genuinely offends you or crosses a line, please contact us. We're satirists, not monsters. We'll probably explain the joke, but we might also revise content if we genuinely screwed up.

3. User Conduct (Don't Be Awful)

3.1 What You Can Do

You're welcome to:

• Browse the site (obviously)
• Share links to our content on social media
• Email us with reasonable messages
• Access the Fan Club if you solve the password puzzle
• Laugh at our jokes (or groan—we'll accept either)
• Tell your friends about us (though we question your judgment)
• Take screenshots for personal use

3.2 What You Can't Do

Please don't:

• Hack the website (there's nothing to steal anyway)
• Send us spam, viruses, or malicious content
• Impersonate us (why would you want to?)
• Use our content for illegal purposes
• Take our satire seriously and then sue us for defamation
• Attempt to profit from our intellectual property without permission
• Be a jerk in emails or comments (we reserve the right to ignore jerks)

4. Intellectual Property (Our Music Is So Bad Nobody Would Steal It)

4.1 Our Copyright

All content on this website—including text, images, music, graphics, and code—is owned by tHE dURT nURS' (or our individual members) unless otherwise noted. This includes:

• Original songs and recordings (copyright © various years)
• Website design and code (copyright © 2024)
• Photos and artwork (copyright © respective creators)
• Written content (copyright © 2024)
• Band name and logo (common law trademark, maybe, we haven't checked)

4.2 What You Can Use

You're free to:

• Share links to our website
• Quote our content with attribution (though we can't imagine why you would)
• Stream our music for personal enjoyment
• Use screenshots in reviews, commentary, or parody (fair use applies)

4.3 What Requires Permission

If you want to use our content commercially, you need to ask first:

• Using our music in your videos, podcasts, or films
• Selling merchandise with our name/logo
• Creating derivative works (covers, remixes, etc.)
• Any commercial use whatsoever

Email us at biteme@durtnurs.com with your request. We're generally pretty chill about usage—we just want to know what's happening.

5. Limitation of Liability (We're Not Responsible for Anything)

5.1 No Warranties

This website and all content are provided "AS IS" without warranties of any kind. We don't guarantee that:

• The website will always be available (it might crash)
• The content will be error-free (we make lots of typos when drunk)
• Our music won't damage your ears or emotional well-being
• Links to external sites will work (we're not in charge of the internet)
• Anything we say is factually accurate (again, this is parody)

5.2 Not Responsible For

We are NOT liable for any damages arising from:

• Ear damage from listening to our music at unsafe volumes
• Emotional distress caused by our lyrics, humor, or general existence
• Lost productivity from spending too much time on this website
• Poor life decisions inspired by our aesthetic or philosophy
• Relationship problems caused by subjecting partners to our music
• Existential crises triggered by our self-aware absurdism
• Financial losses from attempting to emulate our "success"
• Hangovers from drinking along with our implied bourbon consumption

5.3 Maximum Liability

In the unlikely event a court finds us liable for something, our maximum liability is limited to $0.00 USD. We're broke. There's nothing to sue for. Our most valuable asset is a barely functioning drum kit and some whiskey bottles (empty).

6. Indemnification (You Agree We're Idiots)

By using this website, you agree to indemnify and hold harmless tHE dURT nURS', its members, and anyone associated with this project from any claims, damages, or expenses arising from:

• Your use of the website
• Your violation of these terms
• Your violation of any laws or third-party rights
• Your decision to take our satire seriously

7. External Links (Not Our Problem)

Our website contains links to external sites (Instagram, Google Fonts, etc.). We don't control those sites and aren't responsible for their content, privacy policies, or practices.

If you click a link and end up somewhere sketchy, that's on you. We only link to sites we actually use, but we can't guarantee they won't change or get compromised. Use common sense.

8. Dispute Resolution (Let's Settle This Over Whiskey)

8.1 Informal Resolution

If you have a problem with us, please email us first. We're reasonable people (sort of). Most disputes can be resolved through conversation, apology, or mutual agreement that the whole thing was dumb.

8.2 Arbitration

If informal resolution fails, we prefer to settle disputes through arbitration rather than court. The arbitration will be conducted via:

• Venue: SnowMan's shed (or a mutually agreed location)
• Arbitrator: Whoever's sober enough to listen to both sides
• Process: Each party gets to explain their grievance over whiskey
• Decision: Binding and final (or until someone forgets what we decided)

8.3 Governing Law

These terms are governed by the laws of the United States and the state where we're physically located (we're not telling you where—privacy reasons). Any legal action must be filed in a court with appropriate jurisdiction.

9. Changes to These Terms

We reserve the right to modify these terms at any time. Reasons might include:

• Legal requirements change
• We realize we screwed something up
• The website adds new features
• We get drunk and decide to rewrite things
• Someone points out a problem we didn't notice

When we update these terms, we'll change the "Last Updated" date at the top. Continued use of the website after changes means you accept the new terms. If you don't accept them, stop using the site (and our feelings will be hurt).

10. Severability (Legal Jargon Required by Law, Probably)

If any part of these terms is found to be unenforceable or invalid by a court, the remaining parts will still apply. Think of it like our band—if one member is useless (looking at you, DeadBeat), the others keep going.

11. Entire Agreement

These terms, along with our Privacy Policy, constitute the entire agreement between you and tHE dURT nURS' regarding use of this website. There are no secret clauses, hidden terms, or verbal agreements. What you see is what you get.

12. Contact Us About These Terms

If you have questions about these terms, you can contact us at:

Email: biteme@durtnurs.com
Subject Line: "Terms Question" (so we know it's important-ish)
Response Time: 4-6 weeks, maybe never

We'll do our best to respond, but remember: we're not lawyers, we're musicians. If you need real legal advice, consult a real attorney.

13. Final Thoughts (Please Don't Sue Us)

Look, we know nobody reads terms of service documents. You probably scrolled straight to the bottom hoping for a summary. Here it is:

• This is parody. Don't take it seriously.
• We're not liable for anything. Use the site at your own risk.
• Don't be a jerk. Respect our content and other users.
• Ask before using our stuff commercially. We'll probably say yes.
• We're not professionals. Manage expectations accordingly.

If you've actually read this entire document, you deserve a medal (or at least a drink). Thanks for engaging with our nonsense. We appreciate you more than we can express (which isn't saying much, but still).

Now go forth and enjoy the website. Or don't. We're not your boss.

Legally yours (sort of),
tHE dURT nURS'